HOPELESS IN LOVE by SALMA ABDULATIF

Hopeless in love

I stared blankly at the moon that seemed all dull that night just like my feelings. I remembered all the sacrifices I had made. I remembered all the ups and all the downs. Oh my, ours was a bond that no one could break apart. I felt so not myself. Did I fall into deceit or were you just wearing a mask all along? You meant forever, you were my die hard in each sunrise and each sunset. Why did you just have to be a vapor that would evaporate just so suddenly? You had hurt me intensely and I would say no medieval dagger could have penetrated that much like the way those words; those painful words hurt my heart. I felt as if the whole world was on my own shoulders. I felt as if I had no more strength to fight back because it was just like the sweet that suddenly turned sour. But the adage did indicate that, diamonds are made under the weight of mountains. Yes, maybe I could offer you the benefit of the doubt but….

Oh moon, where is all your beauty today? I have lived drowning in hallucinations. Probably keeping a blind eye to all that you did to me. What can be more saddening than this? These pair, our pair. Allah had paired my soft-floating heart to your hard tired heart. Do these two hearts really beat as one? I am yet to know that. I am yet to get all the answers to my ocean of questions. I am yet to discover salt from sugar and sweet from bitter.

For today, in this dullness of the moon, the stars too are crying in insane crystal blue, sympathizing with this softy that was so naive to differentiate disguise from realism. I am drowning in a sea of my tears for what seemed to be the whole of my existence. Where did I go wrong? Where did I laze around? What did I not shower you with? Then you declared that you would be my warrior even when the whole world turns against me. Where is all that?

This monster is ocean deep….

You have plucked the flower while still not in maturity. You have changed the vows and you have changed the lines. You have turned the mice from the bridesmaid and the Cinderella into a rag that was already clouded with your tenderness.

This butterfly that had golden wings that could never allow herself to be walked on and way too flexible fell unconscious in your love. She forgot that words could be venomous.

Today, I want to leave you in this note.

When the dirty chandeliers will still shine through and the demons will still hold on to me, will the heartache that you caused, ever heal too?

*********Salma Abdulatif Yusuf********

I can’t deny that there isn’t a day that I do not still feel your existence in my life. Even though I know that I have let you down over and over again, I left you in puddles of tears, showers of regrets and snowfalls of pain. But my heart still reaches out for you in hope that you will forgive me. Since I couldn’t bear to see you in the state that I was, and please don’t get me wrong, the memories hurt me too. Every trace of you brings back a flood of feelings, feelings that I have been trying to fight away.

  

Frankly, I’d like to return to your arms, to the days where I’d stare into your eyes and see my destiny. Letting everything go back to the way it was, peaceful. You and I as the best of everything. And I won’t try but I will do my very best to love you enough to heal the scars that you have picked up during this time I got you in. I will love you enough that you will forget the nights you stayed awake crying. I will love you enough that pain will seem like fantasy, something which cannot touch your beautiful soul. But I still know my words may mean nothing to you. I could be holding onto the broken pieces of our hearts, the shutters of hope and the dust of our love in the palms of my hands, screaming, screaming for your forgiveness. But how will you know I really mean it? So I tell Allah. I speak to Him about you and tell Him what I feel, ask him to grant you peace and happiness; my happiness. I ask Him to put my name next to yours in our destiny, to one day have us happily married. I tell him how I love you, because my words of romance to you, don’t mean much, but my words to Allah mean the world, because He is the only one that can help. For He is the only one with all the answers to both our woes.

*******Abdulmutalib (Taib) Saggaf********